To Me, “Ayoko Na” is a Feeling

“Ayoko na” (or the proper spelling “Ayaw ko na”) is a Filipino phrase roughly translating to the millennial phrase “I just can’t even.” It’s a difficult phrase to translate. Maybe it’s more like “I don’t want to _____ anymore.” There’s a ______ right there because I’m not referring to anything in particular. I’m having a dementor attack right now. My depression (I hate that word now) is probably1 acting up. It’s not at the level where I don’t want to ___live___ anymore. Right now I’m more neutral with regards to that… issue(?) or feeling (?) (I don’t know what to call it anymore). Right now, I can’t focus at all. I want to study and I need to study, but I just can’t focus. I try to go to my happy place, but right now my happy place having a hard time keeping me glued to it. I’m finding it difficult focusing on being in my happy place and staying there, keeping myself interested in it. I can’t sleep. I want to sleep, but I know I won’t get any rest tonight.  Now that I think of it, rather than feeling like “I don’t want to _______ anymore,” it sounds more like “I can’t _________, even if I want to.” I hate that I’m like this.

I hate how I remember being in the Psychiatric Ward at The Medical City. There was another patient who had depression, but showed worse signs and symptoms than me. I remember her passing by me in the ward, muttering to herself “ayaw ko na” over and over again. Okay, I’m not sure if that is exactly what she said or that she doesn’t want to live anymore, but from what I remember, it’s along those lines. I hate remembering it because I am ON my medication right now. Why is it not working tonight? Are there really times when it’s not supposed to work??? Am I going to have to be on medication for the rest of my life? Am I going to have this battle for the remainder of my life? Will I need more invasive treatments like Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) to get better in the future??
What do I do now while the symptoms are here? I can’t do anything except this!! I can’t do anything except write my thoughts. I can’t speak them. When I try to, my throat suddenly becomes distended and blocked and my eyes water. My mind goes blank and all the points I want to convey are lost. So here I am and I write, because that is all I can do. Am I supposed to just wait these signs and symptoms out? Just let myself feel it? Try to rationalize with my irrational self? Ayaw ko na rin ito. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t want this anymore. Ayoko na.

1I say “probably” because I don’t know if it is. I have been diagnosed clinically, but am I just lazy or is it my depression? Am I just using my depression as an excuse? Well that sucks, I hate to be that person. I never thought of myself as that person that makes up bull excuses.

I Will Always Love You

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Plenty of people have watched and ugly cried because of La La Land. A lot of people probably have had their own interpretation of what the dream sequence meant and a lot of people probably have their own interpretations of the scene before *spoiler alert!!* Emma Stone’s character, Mia, goes to Paris, where she tells Ryan Gosling’s character, Sebastian, “I will always love you.”

(I really wonder why Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling haven’t gotten together in real life. Of course, I love love love Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield and I also really love love love Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams, but Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling have been a love team for THREE movies already!! Also, I predict that this movie will go down in history as a pretty iconic homage to the golden era of Hollywood.)

Gosh, I hate that this part of me was triggered again. I don’t know why, but after greater than 2 freaking years, I still remember my ex whenever I hear songs that remind me of him. Oh don’t get me wrong, I think back and think “why did I ever get together with him?” and “Oh, he’s so gross now” and “Oh, thank god I got out of that relationship.” But this doesn’t mean I’m not grateful to him for all the time and energy he’s given to be with me and help me grow. He was my first love and I guess it really is difficult to forget your first love. Things have changed, but that part of me that loved him will remain inside me (albeit tinier compared to other things). This is what Mia’s “I will always love you” to Sebastian means to me. I loved him for such a long time, how can he not leave a mark on me?

I think your heart has the capacity to love many people. I don’t mean that you should be polygamous. (Side note: Monogamy in animals seems to have developed to ensure the passing of genes of one individual to another, without the interference of third parties). Like I said in an earlier post, I think you can love someone one way, and another person in another way. I will always love my first love, but the idea of who he is and who I was are all in the past. It’s a nostalgic kind of love, I guess. I will always love my significant other right now. I couldn’t have gotten through my depression if it weren’t for him. I’m forever grateful to these two people I have loved and will continue to love.

Then, there’s also platonic love. I’ve lost friends and gained them throughout the 21 years I’ve been living. It was so difficult for me to accept that once I got to college. I think it contributed to my depression, but I’m learning to cope now. People come and go and it’s alright. C’est la vie. I’ll also love them forever. I’ll miss being friends with them, but I love my friends right now. I’m sorry we drifted apart and I’m sorry for all the faults I’ve done. I’m grateful to all of them and I wish them the best.

Today, a video of Powerpuff Girls‘ showed up on my Facebook newsfeed. It’s them singing about love makes the world go round. I know I periodically hate other people and myself, but beneath all that, I’m thankful and, like everyone, I have a lot of love to give.

 

P.S. My interpretation for the ending of La La Land is that Mia chose her ambitions over Sebastian. It’s not wrong to choose yourself. Also, I read somewhere that it’s an antithesis of golden-age Hollywood movies where the couple usually gets back together. Whatever, I love the movie 110%.

Episode N

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Down, down, briefly up, then I’m back down here again.
It feels worse this time around. I want to puke, I want to sleep in and skip class tomorrow and it’s painful. 

I’ve been on anti-depressants for months now but I still have these episodes. Is this normal? Do other people feel this way, too? Does it happen to them as much as me?
Why does this happen to me? I can’t focus. I can’t study. I can’t sleep. This is a mental disability. How can I survive Med School being mentally disabled? Can I survive Med School even with this mental disability?
I try to console myself with a quote I found long ago:

Never give up. Today is hard, tomorrow will be worse, but the day after tomorrow will be sunshine.

-Jack Ma

But will it ever end?

First Love

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I still think about you sometimes.



I wonder how you’re doing. I wonder if you’re still the same and what has changed. I get nostalgic and remember the good times we had together. Of course I miss those times, but that’s all in the past now. I don’t regret breaking up with you. It’s just that you are and always will be my first love.

I still love you, the past you — the past us.



But I love the one I’m with right now, too. I don’t mean I want to get back with you, I just mean that there will always be a special place in my heart for you. You will always be special to me.

I didn’t want to see you after we broke up because I was afraid I might go back to you.


It was for the best for both of us. I was messed up. My depression started creeping in and I couldn’t make sense of it and you couldn’t make sense of it. I sincerely believe the you who told me you loved me. We were too immature, I guess. I was able to grow with you, though, so thank you. This is one of the reasons why you’ll always hold a special place in my heart. I don’t regret going through all that with you. I’m sorry I hurt you. Thank you for all the years we’ve spent together.

I guess there really are different kinds of love.

I don’t love you as I did before, nor do I love you as I love the one I’m with right now, but I do love you and I’m grateful for everything we have had together.

“At the end of the day, you never want to burn a bridge that you’ve fought so hard to build.”

You’d think I’d quote some literary genius, but that quote is in fact from the beautiful human named Bella Hadid.

Quotes for the Depressed

Just a list of the quotes I like when I’m feeling down. (Disclaimer: None of the photos nor the quotes are mine.)

  1. For when you’re wondering why all this is happening to you:

“There is neither happiness nor misery in the world; there is only the comparison of one state with another, nothing more. He who has felt the deepest grief is best able to experience supreme happiness. We must have felt what it is to die, Morrel, that we may appreciate the enjoyments of life.”

-Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo

2. For when you need to remember to love yourself:

I don’t really know where that poem came from; it’s not mine. Credits to whoever wrote these beautiful lines ❤

3. When you need to remember that you are not your malady:

“Remember who you were before the darkness stole your light.”

I also don’t know where this one came from. I only stumbled upon it at The Mighty.

4. When you need to remember that you can get through this and that this shall pass:

-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (the film; I don’t remember reading this in the books, but this is just so beautiful)

Side note/trivia: The dementors in the books are based on J.K. Rowling’s own experience on depression. When I read the books the second time around, I realized how they were similar and tried to search if anyone noticed it, too. It turns out it was really J.K. Rowling’s plan all along! This is why I call the times when depression hits me as “dementors’ visit.” Whenever that happens, I keep trying to say “EXPECTO PATRONUM” in my head. My patronus is a dolphin (omg, I’m such a big Potterhead hahaha)

5. For when you need to remember how such a strong and wonderful human being you are:

-Albert Camus

6. For when you forget that the world is right behind you, supporting you:

-Leon Brown

Whatever you are struggling with right now, whether I know you or not, let me just say that you got this. I’m rooting for you.

Be strong.

What My Depression is Like

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Having another dementor attack again today. If people care enough and find this blog, then well, here’s how I feel.

    1. When I try saying out loud how I feel, the words leave me. What seemed so coherent and comprehensive in my mind would come out just a random jumble of worthless words.

    2. I cry, suddenly at times and for no reason. Sometimes I find a reason to cry while crying and I cry more. There was a week last year when I just couldn’t stop even if I wanted to already.

    3. You keep trying to find out why you’re like this — broken and cracked. Depression is considered a mental disability. I certainly don’t know why I’m like this and I do feel incapable of doing anything right now. I was so productive and doing so well last week, but here I am at the bottom once more.

    4. You keep second guessing yourself. Are you really depressed or just whiny? And then the dementors come and you realize that yeah, you are. Then you go back to questioning yourself and the cycle repeats.

    5. There are times when you feel nothing at all. 100% apathy. Then when you feel something, like incredible melancholy, you’d feel glad that you’re actually feeling something. This is why I’ve renamed my blog to Mokona Feels.

Well, that’s it so far right now. I guess I’ll add more later if I feel like it.

The Morning Battle

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Today I lost the morning battle. It’s that daily battle with yourself to get out of bed, get breakfast, brush your teeth, take a bath, get dressed, and walk to school. There are two rate-limiting steps (sorry, we’re doing Biochemistry right now) to this daily battle: the first being awoken by the alarm and deciding to get up or continue sleeping, the second being going to take a bath after eating breakfast. The first step is the most difficult one, but both steps cause as much trouble. Plenty thoughts and feelings go through my newly roused mind after the first alarm goes off.

“What time is it?” “It’s too early.” “I can wake up later and still be on time.” “I’m tired.” “I can be late a little.” “There’s still time.” “Why bother going to school? I’m already late.” “Why bother sitting in the lecture? I’ll fall asleep anyway.” “Why go to class when you can read the book?” “Is there a graded requirement this morning?” “Why go to class at all? “We’re all eventually going to die someday.” “I just want to die now so that I don’t have to go to school.” “Do people at school even like me? Maybe they’re just tolerating my presence.” “When I arrive, people at school will tease me for being late. I feel ashamed already, thank you very much.” “I have to do this paper later, will I have enough time to finish it after school?” “Why do I have so many problems?” “How the hell is one person supposed to solve all these problems?” “I guess if I die, there’d be no problem I’d have to face anymore.” “I should just die.” “I want to die.”

And then if you fall asleep and wake up 10 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour later or so, you wake up feeling bad about yourself. Berating yourself in your head.

“You’re so lazy and undisciplined.” “You’re a terrible, horrible person.” “You should be more ashamed of yourself.” “Oh, you’re blaming your depression again?” “Are you sure you’re not just lazy and undisciplined? Stop making depression your excuse.”

More than once, even if I have been hospitalized and even if I am taking medications for my depression, I question myself. I doubt myself. I tell myself that I don’t have it bad like other people. I think I’m using it just as a scapegoat and that I wasted my parent’s money by getting myself hospitalized in a private, tertiary hospital in the Philippines for about sixty thousand pesos (about 1,200 USD).

I should just die.

Sometime later in the morning, I wake up, eat breakfast, if I haven’t, or go take a bath if I have. After berating myself and beating myself up, I stand up and go to school. I’m late.

“I don’t come from my parent’s home anymore and I don’t have to go through traffic. I wonder what my classmates think of me now, being late to class even if I don’t have to go and suffer through Metro Manila traffic anymore. They probably think I’m just so lazy.”

I get to school and my classmates smile teasingly at me. I just smile back, shrug my shoulders, and say, “I didn’t wake up.” Then, I would go through my day in a better mood or in an unhappy one, like today. I would say, “hey, at least you still managed to get up and go to school today.”

On the days when I get to school on time, I feel happy and I congratulate myself. On the days when I wake up and get off my bed, I congratulate myself. I have missed quite a number of classes in college and in med school because of this morning battle, but I know I’ve had winning moments, as well. I can’t always win and that’s fine. Tomorrow is another day.

Ever since I started going to a psychiatrist and sort of came out of the closet with my depression, I’ve noticed how many other people around me have it, too. The morning battle is a struggle I’ve noticed that a number of us face. It’s a battle with ourselves and it takes all of the energy we have to be on the winning side. If you have it, too, know that you’re not alone. We can do this 🙂

Cursed with a Good Memory

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Movie tickets and receipts

Greeting cards with kisses

Letters long, letters short

At all these I scoff and snort

Time flies fast doesn’t it?

Sweet love came in the night

But now time’s up, say goodbye


Losses are the worst when you have good memory. It’s great when you have exams, but grades aren’t everything. You want to forget things but you just can’t sometimes.

I finally decided to put down all the photos of me and my ex and placed everything of him in one place so I can throw it all away. There was this box full of memorabilia. I remember where I got each and every one of them. They were priceless at one point, but just simply useless now. I glanced around my room and see old gifts — not just from him, but from other people, too. Some gifts were a year old, some four, one eleven. I remember who gave these things to me and why.

I’m gonna place everything in a plastic bag tomorrow. Do I throw it all away? What if we get back together some time in the future? I don’t want to get back with him now, but what if? I should just throw it all away, shouldn’t I?

Maybe I’ll keep the box. It’s more useful than the memorabilia.

An Interview with Myself

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I suddenly felt so sad today. I thought it was because of my recurring, self-diagnosed depression or hormones, but then I realized again how I’m not so special.

What do you mean you’re not so special?

I overheard this guy talking about his problems. He was having trouble applying to the top medical school in the country because of his nationality. He has the chance to get in. His grades are better than mine. The only problem is that he’s a foreigner according to the papers, even if he’s been here his whole life. I’ll be applying to med schools next year and I realized that I don’t have the chance of getting into the country’s best med school because my grades aren’t enough.

But your classmates think you do well. You got really high marks on your previous exams.

But my general weighted average (GWA) lacks about 0.3 points. Right now I’m about 1.9 and I need a 1.6 and it’s hard trying to raise my grade even by just a 0.1.

I’m not only not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough or thin enough. An app in my phone says my weight is normal according to the body mass index (BMI).  It says my BMI and body fat in % value is good, but I look around me and everyone is skinnier than me. I was a fat kid and I lost weight but everyone’s waist is still smaller than mine. I still have pimples and my cheeks get chubby when I’m bloated. I’m not smart enough. I’m not thin enough. I’m not pretty enough.

For who?

What do you mean for who?

Who are you trying to be smart/thin/pretty enough for? I know who you’re setting yourself up against — models and celebrities, but who are you trying to be good enough for?

…well, it shouldn’t be for any random person like my crush. I want him to like me as I am. It shouldn’t me my family and friends either, for the same reason. I guess I just want to impress people.

You want people to like you as you are but you don’t like yourself? How is that going? And why do you want to impress people?

I like myself sometimes. Just not right now. I guess I want to impress people so I’d have more friends and probably get into a new relationship. I want to feel validated. I want people to say my name and say I’m smart and/or pretty.

The thing though is that girls are the ones who say I’m pretty. Boys never do. Only a few have, but I feel like other girls have lots of guys saying how pretty they are.

Maybe people like you and think you are those things and more but it’s weird complimenting someone out of the blue, right?

Maybe.

I think what you should think about is what makes the most beautiful or the most amazing woman in the world beautiful and/or amazing.

Those things are relative.

Well, no matter who the most beautiful/amazing person to you is, I’m sure she’s confident. Someone can be beautiful but if she’s not comfortable about herself, people tend to not notice her. Confidence is key. So love yourself so you can be confident with who you are. How do you expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself?