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I suddenly felt so sad today. I thought it was because of my recurring, self-diagnosed depression or hormones, but then I realized again how I’m not so special.

What do you mean you’re not so special?

I overheard this guy talking about his problems. He was having trouble applying to the top medical school in the country because of his nationality. He has the chance to get in. His grades are better than mine. The only problem is that he’s a foreigner according to the papers, even if he’s been here his whole life. I’ll be applying to med schools next year and I realized that I don’t have the chance of getting into the country’s best med school because my grades aren’t enough.

But your classmates think you do well. You got really high marks on your previous exams.

But my general weighted average (GWA) lacks about 0.3 points. Right now I’m about 1.9 and I need a 1.6 and it’s hard trying to raise my grade even by just a 0.1.

I’m not only not smart enough. I’m not pretty enough or thin enough. An app in my phone says my weight is normal according to the body mass index (BMI).  It says my BMI and body fat in % value is good, but I look around me and everyone is skinnier than me. I was a fat kid and I lost weight but everyone’s waist is still smaller than mine. I still have pimples and my cheeks get chubby when I’m bloated. I’m not smart enough. I’m not thin enough. I’m not pretty enough.

For who?

What do you mean for who?

Who are you trying to be smart/thin/pretty enough for? I know who you’re setting yourself up against — models and celebrities, but who are you trying to be good enough for?

…well, it shouldn’t be for any random person like my crush. I want him to like me as I am. It shouldn’t me my family and friends either, for the same reason. I guess I just want to impress people.

You want people to like you as you are but you don’t like yourself? How is that going? And why do you want to impress people?

I like myself sometimes. Just not right now. I guess I want to impress people so I’d have more friends and probably get into a new relationship. I want to feel validated. I want people to say my name and say I’m smart and/or pretty.

The thing though is that girls are the ones who say I’m pretty. Boys never do. Only a few have, but I feel like other girls have lots of guys saying how pretty they are.

Maybe people like you and think you are those things and more but it’s weird complimenting someone out of the blue, right?

Maybe.

I think what you should think about is what makes the most beautiful or the most amazing woman in the world beautiful and/or amazing.

Those things are relative.

Well, no matter who the most beautiful/amazing person to you is, I’m sure she’s confident. Someone can be beautiful but if she’s not comfortable about herself, people tend to not notice her. Confidence is key. So love yourself so you can be confident with who you are. How do you expect people to love you if you don’t love yourself?

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