“Ayoko na” (or the proper spelling “Ayaw ko na”) is a Filipino phrase roughly translating to the millennial phrase “I just can’t even.” It’s a difficult phrase to translate. Maybe it’s more like “I don’t want to _____ anymore.” There’s a ______ right there because I’m not referring to anything in particular. I’m having a dementor attack right now. My depression (I hate that word now) is probably1 acting up. It’s not at the level where I don’t want to ___live___ anymore. Right now I’m more neutral with regards to that… issue(?) or feeling (?) (I don’t know what to call it anymore). Right now, I can’t focus at all. I want to study and I need to study, but I just can’t focus. I try to go to my happy place, but right now my happy place having a hard time keeping me glued to it. I’m finding it difficult focusing on being in my happy place and staying there, keeping myself interested in it. I can’t sleep. I want to sleep, but I know I won’t get any rest tonight.  Now that I think of it, rather than feeling like “I don’t want to _______ anymore,” it sounds more like “I can’t _________, even if I want to.” I hate that I’m like this.

I hate how I remember being in the Psychiatric Ward at The Medical City. There was another patient who had depression, but showed worse signs and symptoms than me. I remember her passing by me in the ward, muttering to herself “ayaw ko na” over and over again. Okay, I’m not sure if that is exactly what she said or that she doesn’t want to live anymore, but from what I remember, it’s along those lines. I hate remembering it because I am ON my medication right now. Why is it not working tonight? Are there really times when it’s not supposed to work??? Am I going to have to be on medication for the rest of my life? Am I going to have this battle for the remainder of my life? Will I need more invasive treatments like Electroconvulsive Therapy (ECT) to get better in the future??
What do I do now while the symptoms are here? I can’t do anything except this!! I can’t do anything except write my thoughts. I can’t speak them. When I try to, my throat suddenly becomes distended and blocked and my eyes water. My mind goes blank and all the points I want to convey are lost. So here I am and I write, because that is all I can do. Am I supposed to just wait these signs and symptoms out? Just let myself feel it? Try to rationalize with my irrational self? Ayaw ko na rin ito. I don’t want to be sick anymore. I don’t want this anymore. Ayoko na.

1I say “probably” because I don’t know if it is. I have been diagnosed clinically, but am I just lazy or is it my depression? Am I just using my depression as an excuse? Well that sucks, I hate to be that person. I never thought of myself as that person that makes up bull excuses.