I wrote a letter just now and if this letter is for you and you get to see it, then it probably means you were looking for something. I have no intention of sending this to you because I don’t think you want me to contact you. I feel like this is the best way I can communicate what I want to say, and so if you find this, then it means you want to hear what I have to say. Does that make sense? Anyway:
Hi, how are you? I’m sorry if this comes so sudden. I just had a few realizations recently. You might think I have some sort of agenda, but I don’t. I just wanted to say that I’m truly sorry. There are still some things that remind me of you, especially, of course, John Mayer. Whenever I hear his songs, especially Heartbreak Warfare, I remember you (I hate that in a way, you still haunt me, but I guess that’s inevitable since we walked the same path in our lives for 4-8 years). Because of that, I recently realized the extent of how awful I was.
Back then, I wondered if that was what having a boyfriend felt like. I wanted to see other people because I knew something wasn’t right. There were days when I felt like I had no boyfriend, even if I did, and I wanted more from you because I was unhappy. It wasn’t your responsibility to make me happy, though. I shouldn’t have relied my happiness on you. I realized how nobody could have made me happy at that time and I was unfair to you.
Towards the end of September 2016, I had a major depressive episode and I got confined in a hospital because I was having suicidal ideations, again, (like that long week in the summer of 2014, when I felt like I was dead already. I wonder if you remember that? I was trying to get a scholarship to study in Japan then.) Anyway, I received treatment and now I feel better than before; although there’s still some bad days, but that’s life.
I’m not telling you this so that you could pity me. I’m not messaging you right now to ask you to get back with me, please don’t misunderstand. This may mean nothing to you now, but I just want to apologize. I hope what has happened hasn’t colored our past darkly. I think I’ve thanked you before, but I want to thank you again for all the years we were together, since we were in 5th grade. We were friends when we were together, right? I’m not asking for us to be friends again, but if it’s alright with you, then it’s fine by me. It’s not my place to say this, but I hope you’ve learned to let go of all the anger you hold in your heart, whether it’s towards me or towards other people. Anyway,
TL;DR: I’m sorry for hurting you and for unfairly putting the responsibility for my happiness in your hands.
Thanks for reading this. I hope you’re well.