I didn’t know it was ever possible to love pain. Somehow, I remembered how heartbroken I was when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend when I listened to Ed Sheeran’s Sunburn for the first time. (See my new poem Sunburnt) It pains me every time I listen to it. There’s really this pain in my chest, but still, I keep listening to it. I guess this is how one loves pain.
I’m still me
I’m still who I used to be
It’s just the distance
Separating you and me
Making me look different to you
Making you look different to me
You are a world away
I realized I couldn’t stay
There were long, painful days
When I couldn’t see your face
Is this considered a sonnet? It’s about love and it has fourteen lines, but it’s sad and unromantic. I wrote this after listening to Ed Sheeran’s Sunburn, after my ex-boyfriend shared the link to the song; hence, the title. I presume he’s posting it because of me. We broke up only a month ago. I didn’t feel that sad at the time. I mean, yes, I was for three days, but not after. Did I really fall out of love or am I just numb now? I immediately cried after I heard the song, so I’m wondering that. I guess I sort of miss him a bit.
Stay close and stay true
Together, things are better to do
Stay fair, stay same
I’ll never ever forget your name
No matter how old we are
You’ll forever be in my heart
The many stars we’ve wished on
And the days that are now long gone
They will still be inside of me
Even if time hasn’t let me be
Stay near, my dears
Together we’ll fight our fears
We’ll banish all that we drear
Stay close, do you hear?
Some people say that the purpose of life is the pursuit of happiness and that the ultimate end to living is happiness. It’s not that I don’t agree with them in a way, I just find the pursuit part so weird.
It’s weird how you’re happy at one point with one thing but that happiness makes you want more and more. For example, you get a bite of chocolate or cake or whatever floats your boat from a friend and it tastes so good that you want the whole thing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be happy but sometimes your friend can’t give you the whole chocolate or whatever because it’s already finished or it’s his/her breakfast. In other words, you get something that makes you happy and whatever made you happy makes you want more of it and then you either get more of it or you don’t. I find it weird how the pursuit to happiness seemingly never ends. We all try to be satisfied with what we have because people say that it is the key to being happy, but sometimes we just can’t help wanting something. It’s human nature.
I guess the end to the pursuit of happiness lies within oneself: you either don’t mind it or it makes you sad.
Now, why am I writing about this? I left my boyfriend of nearly two years about three weeks ago because it was a long distance relationship and a lot of things happened. He made me so so so happy in the beginning of our relationship, but it didn’t last for me. I guess I wanted more than he could give. I decided to break up with him one happy day (for me). I was so happy that day because I did well in my exams and because I have this happy, shallow crush on a classmate. I know it won’t go anywhere, but those things made me happier than him. I’ve recently made up with my best friend who I’ve fought with for about three years, too. And I feel like I exchanged him for all of these. Maybe happiness is a choice you make. I wonder if I chose the right one.
Happiness is a choice you make.
Violet Barnes: [Impression of Cookie Monster] Fine! This is fine! But this is precisely why Cookie wants to take the time to consider if he’s picked the right cookie for his life!
Suzie Barnes-Eilhauer: [Impression of Elmo] Well maybe Elmo thinks there is no right cookie, you just pick one and take a bite!
These lines are from The Five-Year Engagement, a wonderful romcom. Violet and Suzie used cookies as a metaphor for partners, you see. Violet’s taking such a long time getting married (hence, The Five-Year Engagement) because she’s not sure if her fiance’s the right one for her. Suzie says maybe there’s no right person for you. Maybe the one does not exist. I don’t know if I agree with this though.
The truth is that I still cry about you and I shouldn’t. I know now, you’re really not the one for me. Even if you were (and maybe for a part of me, you still are) the most important person in my life, you aren’t the one. That time should be over. Right now I am lost. You aren’t trying to find me. You aren’t looking. You left me here. I know I went away and I feel lost now. You said it was us against the world. I feel alone now. I feel like it’s just me fighting against everything and everyone now. You didn’t try to get me back. And I don’t know if I should ask for you back. A part of me wants to; another part of me doesn’t. Part of me wants to forget you; part of me doesn’t. I am hesitant and indecisive at the same time. Should I stick to my decision of leaving you? I feel like if I go back to you now, you don’t want me. I don’t understand. I feel like you don’t want to try anymore either. I’m confused. I’m angry and I’m sad. But when I think about other things I am happy. I am angry, sad, happy, confused, hesitant, and indecisive all at the same time. I just want to scream.
I don’t want to cry anymore.
Don’t you dare let our best memories bring you sorrow.
What do you think about me?
That is if you ever did thought of me
I just wish to become free
I’m begging on my knees
Wanting to forget what I feel,
I keep hoping this wound would heal,
Listening to this tune,
I swear I’m gonna forget about you
These feelings are overdue
I have to return them to you
Where do you look when you look my way?
It makes me think of you everyday
I feel so invisible
I have to choose what’s sensible
Becuase who am I kidding?
I know you won’t reciprocate this feeling
My mind says “goodbye”
But my heart tells me “just try”
What do I do?
I want to forget about you
I know I won’t get the answer
To these questions I ponder
So I want to forget about you
While hoping you’ll think of me, too
Just a little something about a crush of mine four years ago, when I was in third year high school. He was a senior. Now, I’m in my third year in college and I like another guy who’s also a senior now. I have the exact same feelings. Ugh.
I am a see-through shirt
Not visible unless with dirt
Dirt that causes much mirth
Mirth that unknowingly brings hurt
Why am I like this?
Like a spinster with no kiss
Am I really so easy to miss?
Like a wallflower upon which dogs piss
Why do people see me as such?
Like a tiny dwarf that can’t do much
Am I one to be shunned in this bunch?
Like I am something ought not to be touched
I am not a flower
Too pretty and too nice
But I am an eagle
Waiting for the chance to rise
Felt a little inadequate today, so there. It’s strange how they call our generation the “Selfie Generation” or the “Self-entitled Generation.” I find it so difficult to love myself. Actually, the reason why I take selfies (I barely post them though, I only started posting them recently) is because I wanted to feel pretty. Sigh.
So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be. -Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower
Thinking about you makes me so sad. It makes me want to get back the time we had. It makes me want to call you up, say I’m sorry and be the one to ask you to stay. But I remember this other guy, senpai, and every time I think of him or when I go to his Facebook profile, I smile and my heart beats a little bit faster. Doki doki. Dugeun dugeun. He’s just a classmate who I barely talk with, but it’s incredible how happy I become whenever I come across him. And I saw this letter I wrote for you a year ago and I had the same sentiments back then. Things haven’t changed. Things did for a while, but we’re back here. Did I make the right decision in leaving you?
Shall I start off with something light? I just broke up with someone (I guess that’s why I’m a little too distracted and a bit more creative), but for now here’s something light. It’s gonna get heavy later.
Every beginning starts with an end
Every twilight has its dawn
It’s dark out tonight
I see no stars shining bright
But I know the sun will rise soon
Then I’ll start reaching for the moon
I write stories and I write poems. My thoughts are all over the place and I can put them in one when I write, so I made a wordpress account!
I wanna post what I feel. You should never ever keep your feelings to yourself; you’ll explode. I’m gonna post the thoughts that I want to share here, where nobody won’t be bothered by them. If you stumble upon this and like what I write, you’re welcome to stay. 🙂